By Trish Swain (March 2003)
The definitions in this dictionary are fictitious, and any resemblance to the truth is pure serendipity.
| A is for Anchusa, any plant of the boraginaceous genus anchusa. In my experience is aptly named “anchusa another one, as this one won’t survive the winter”. B is for “Balance of nature” – the notion of paradise (the zenith) all gardeners are seeking, but will never find. C is for Calendula – a calendar for the marigold enthusiast. Cutting – 1. A method of propagation. A favourite trick of garden visitors (who would not dream of stealing anything else) is to pinch a cutting from a famous garden, the blue-rinse mob being the worst offenders. Cutting – 2. Hurtful or rude comments made by supercilious garden writers and designers about one’s prize plot/plant. D is for Dicotyledon – 1. Having 2 embryonic seed leaves. Dicotyledon – 2. Shout of an enraged gardener on discovery of slug damage. E is for Encroach (not to be confused with cockroach) – favourite ploy of buttercups, grass and land-grabbing neighbours. All move stealthily and un-noticed until they take over. F is for Fern – outdoor telephone for posh people. Frond – to like e.g. I’m frond of my garden. G is for Gladioli – happy, fully sighted gardener. |
H is for Horticulture – the art or science of cultivating gardens, not to be confused with – “haughty-culture” which is upper-class gardening. Hoe – gardener’s mantra in the spring, “Hoe, hoe, hoe”, not to be confused with “Ho, ho, ho” which is a rival’s unkind laughter on the discovery of your crop failure. I is for Irrigation – an annoying kink in the hosepipe. J is for Juncus – 1. A rush, some juncus have spiral stems. Juncus – 2. To get annoyed on the discovery of fly-tipping. K is for Knot garden –a toddler’s refusal to help in the garden. Knotweed – ditto. Knotgrass – Astroturf. L is for Leather jacket – a step up from a “Barbour” in the gardener’s fashion stakes. M is for Monopetalous – 1. Having only one petal. Monopetalous – 2. Any boring or repetitive job in the garden. N is for Necrosis – 1. Death of plant tissue as a result of death or disease. Necrosis – 2. Neck-ache induced by peering over fence |