The Secret Diary of Chief Inspector Carnaby
Extracts found under a bush by John Fortgang (March 2003)Monday:
Wake up to beautiful summer morning. But then whatever the season it is always summer here in Midwinter Fury in spite of its name.
After leisurely summer breakfast of cereals (organically grown in our local fields by our enthusiastic and friendly farmers), orange juice and delicious home-made bread made by talented village bread-makers and served by my lovely wife Doris, walk round village green. Note pair of feet sticking out from under a bush. Note also blunt instrument nearby covered in what may well be blood. Wonder what it could mean. Make mental note to instruct my faithful assistant Sergeant Toyboy to investigate.
Tuesday:
Another lovely morning. Kiss goodbye to my lovely wife Doris and stroll past various quaint and eccentric local characters doing quaint and eccentric things. In old Mrs Trouserbottom's cottage see what could well be a body suspended from a beam. I know that she does not normally suspend bodies in that way. Make mental note to instruct Toyboy to take a closer look if he has time, as he is busy looking into a serious case of parking on the village green.
Wednesday:
Rise early. Say goodbye to my lovely wife Doris and set off to enjoy sound of larks, blackbirds and other inhabitants of our lovely village where sun always shines and it hardly ever rains and then only for dramatic effect. Also hear what could well be a scream coming from not far away. May take a closer look on way to work. Stroll round village green, appreciating picturesque cottages with equally picturesque inhabitants. Look idly through kitchen window of Mr and Mrs Pitbull-Terrier's cottage and note that he appears to be strangling her. Make mental note to get Toyboy to investigate when he has time as always assumed that Mr and Mrs P-T had a happy and loving marriage.
Thursday:
Gaze out of bedroom window at usual blue sky and fluffy white clouds and listen to usual birds singing. Obviously there could never be any crime here. Wonder whether I ought to retire and take up painting on village green. My lovely wife Doris tells me she has heard a rumour that young and beautiful Evadne ffeatherstonehaugh (who lives in several houses round the village green and whose name I know is pronounced Chumleigh) has been found poisoned. Am extremely sceptical but make mental note to get Toyboy to make enquiries when he has finished case of egg-poaching he is working on.
Friday:
Rise early. Ignore sky, clouds, lovely wife Doris etc. Walk past church on way to work. Hear sounds of moaning. Open door and look inside. See what looks like body on floor and which looks like my lovely wife Doris with what looks like a knife sticking out of her. Highly unlikely that anything suspicious would have taken place; such things only happen in third-rate television programmes which as we all know never reflect real life. Make mental note to ask Toyboy to pop in later when he has sorted out pressing case of speeding tractor. While in church express gratitude for gentle and peaceful village life.