By An Insider
A leaked secret report from Chiltern District Council reveals proposals to pilot a new concept in refuse collection and re-cycling. The Lee has been identified as the ideal place for the pilot given the population profile and contours of the village. “If the concept works in The Lee” claims the report, “it will work everywhere”.
In essence, all properties in the village will be issued with a revolutionary wheeled ‘receptor’ that is lightweight and highly mobile. These new-style ‘wheelie’ bins will have four large wheels and a rope attachment to make them easier to move. However, what makes this test of even greater significance is the fact that “weekly kerb-side collections will cease in favour of collections from a central pick-up-point. Householders will have to take their high-mobility bins to this pick-up point each Tuesday evening and collect them on Wednesday, when empty, ready for their next load of rubbish”.
Additional design features of these 21st century ‘receptors’ include separate compartments for glass, paper, plastic and tins. The report claims that this system will be “superior to the alternate-week, kerb-side collections favoured by Whitehall and that any smells would only be a problem at the collection point”.
It is stressed that The Lee was selected in view of the fact that the population is “older than the average for the District as a whole and that the hilly and pot-holed nature of the roads will combine to make this a real test of the scheme”. Upgrades to the bins featuring clip-on, low-emission electric motors will be developed for the most elderly residents and blue badge holders. [No special driving licence will be required]. In this connection the report also reviews possible collection points and mentions the car parks at the Cock and Rabbit and the Village Hall as well as the lay-by at the Church and The-Lee Green. However, the report recommends that the “redundant base for the cricket nets would be an ideal location, not least because it means that the bins would have to be dragged across the grass making the test additionally conclusive”.
Significantly, consultations are continuing with the local NHS providers to ensure that local surgeries, clinics and hospitals are geared-up for a possible increase in hernias, back strain and torn ligaments, which are potential side-effects of the test. In spite of this, the Health and Safety Executive are reported to be happy with the test as “the residents are not employees of the Council and will only be moving their own rubbish, at their own risk, and”, like the H&SE itself, perhaps “the less material produced, the better for all concerned”.
The author of the report, the bearded, sandal-wearing, cycling reader of the Guardian, Dai-the-bins Llaffinn, is unspecific as to the scale of ongoing savings but indicates that the savings in year one will be “swallowed up by the cost of providing the many directional signs which will be required”, not to mention the “new 5mph speed limit signs aimed specifically at the new bins”. There will also be new signs on the approaches to the village announcing the fact that The Lee is a “Centre of Excellence for Rubbish”, and warning drivers to watch out for oversized bins careering around the place in the charge of demented pensioners! – and not only on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, as several residents have no idea which day of the week it is anyway!
The identity of the informant is known to the Editor but has been withheld in order to ensure that refuse collections are maintained at Orchard House in the meantime.