By Colin Sully
The Lee Newsletter aims not to publish anything that might be misleading or untrue; where possible it checks the accuracy of material submitted for publication. Here are some of the stories that didn’t get past the Editors in 2008…
Sheik buys
Cricket ClubRumours reached the Newsletter in September of a proposed bid of $40m for The Lee Cricket Club, from a Middle Eastern businessman looking to gain a foothold in English village cricket (apparently the new hot-spot for international betting syndicates). A spokesperson for the Club declined to comment on the rumour. However, reliable sources within the Club have indicated that the proposal to build a brand new cricket ground with state-of-the-art practice nets – in Dubai – may be hampering the deal.
Lost Choir standingFollowing their local success, The Lee village choir is about to set out on a tour of European cities as a part of an EC cultural ‘out-reach’ programme. They are due to visit Tromsø (Norway), Jyväskylä (Finland), Kóρivθoξ (Greece) and L’vov (Russia).
Asked what are likely to be the major challenges of the tour, Maestro Lock replied “The three tenors, what to wear… and spelling!”
W.I. becomes H.I.In October, a male resident of The Lee went to the European Court of Human Rights to argue that the Women’s Institute is unfairly discriminating against him. Although he is permitted ‘associate membership’ of the W.I., he says he feels his gender is regarded as the inferior one by other members of the W.I. and that he has experienced a ‘glass ceiling’ in trying to rise through the organisation.
Although they feel that they have a strong case to defend their position, we understand that the W.I. is considering changing its name to the ‘Human’s Institute’. The case continues.
The nearly no Shop
In August the Shop Committee came close to abandoning its decision to move the Shop to its new premises and instead to use the new building as a ‘gaming room’.
A business review by Independent Financial Advisors (Jones, Troy, Scott, Barnaby) clearly showed that installing the latest virtual reality gaming machines in the new building would generate enough profit to enable the Shop to give away everything that it currently sells!
At a heated Committee meeting held secretly in August, tempers flared when it was discovered that a member of the Shop Committee was in fact the majority shareholder in the gaming machine company. A vote by the Committee narrowly defeated the proposed change of use.
Gang warfare in The Lee
The recent outbreak of wheelie bin thefts and ‘road sign rage’ in the Parish is thought to be the latest development in the escalating gang wars between four local gangs – the ‘Greeners’, the ‘Commoners’, the ‘Hunters’ and the ‘Bottomers’ – all vying for overall control of the Parish.
Sightings of wheelie bins and road signs (much favoured by three of the gangs) are known to inflame the Greeners (anti-everything!) and, according to local Community Police Officer Melvin Mutch, the Greeners are at the moment his main suspects for the increasing level of thefts.
CPO Mutch has told leaders of all four gangs that if this warfare does not end soon, then he will be issuing SCASBOs (Senior Citizen ASBOs) and will also consider introducing a curfew within the Parish.
Ed: I thought we already had one!
Home rule for The Lee
The Parish Clerk has discovered a side-effect of the ‘Local Government Bill: 2008 Regulations’, which permits “…properly elected local authorities, with a total population of less than 700…” to vary certain aspects of national legislation. This amendment to the Bill was introduced to pacify MPs from small, remote Scottish islands, but it is also seen by The Lee Parish Council as a way of allowing the Parish to reject certain aspects of national legislation.
However, legal counsel has pointed out that in order to satisfy the requirements of the Bill, the population of The Lee will have to capped at all times at 700 (which is very close to the actual population). The Parish Council has therefore decided that birth control advice will now be made available at the village hall each Monday afternoon and, further, that any resident who leaves the village for more than three weeks in any month will give up their automatic right to re-enter.
Residents’ views are to be sought as to which aspects of national legislation should be rejected. Please send your suggestions to the Editor.