The
Old Cock and BullBy ‘Fly on the wall’
The gods had gathered in the snug for one of their regular meetings. There was a general hubbub with everyone talking at once and no one listening. As is usual at these meetings there was no chairman, so Mars, god of war, banged his mug loudly on the bar. “As you know” he said to anyone who would listen, “we have received some very disturbing news from the Chilterns. It seems that the government wishes to drive a high speed train through the hills and the residents are preparing for war.”
“Such a thing can’t be allowed to happen. It’s absolutely frightful. I will lie down in front of the bulldozers to stop them, if I have to” said the elderly goddess in the corner.
“That’s the sort of fighting talk I like to hear,” said Mars. “The Lee has an honourable history of self sacrifice in times of war and I’m sure your name could be added to the war memorial if you wish.”
“But the country is bankrupt” shouted someone from the back.
“You are probably right,” replied Mars, “but as the ancient Latin historian nearly said ‘Timeo Adonis et dona ferentes’ which can be roughly translated as: ‘I fear the Labour minister especially when he brings gifts before an election’. What do you think Church of England god?”
“Quite right” said the C of E god, wishing to change the subject and avoid party politics, “but have you heard that the Catholic god’s representative on earth, who plans to visit my country in the autumn, has been very critical of my church’s policy on gay marriages and women priests, something he knows little about. I would ask my Catholic colleague to ensure that his earthly rep keeps his comments to more important issues such as the beauty of the Chilterns and the sanctity of the Green Belt.”
“I will do what I can”, replied the Catholic god, “but my rep has got his own problems at the moment. However, you will have noted I’m sure that he will not support the railways during his visit. He plans to arrive in Scotland by plane and travel by road.”
“But surely this project will not happen in our lifetime” said the elderly goddess somewhat confused as to what they were talking about.
“Speak for yourself” said young Eros, popping up from behind the bar.
“My party supports the proposal in principal but I would like everyone to know that I will do my utmost to help my constituents,” said the Conservative god from the right of the bar.
“My party also supports such an eco-friendly project designed to save the environment,” said the Lib Dem god, precariously perched on a bar stool not knowing whether to lean to the left or the right, “but obviously it should be put somewhere else.”
“But the whole project is a monstrous waste of money and it is going to be of no earthly use to us” cried the elderly goddess.
“It’s typical of your Westminster government,” mumbled the Welsh god in the corner, “They come up with an expensive project to influence the floating voters in England and Scotland and we are all expected to pay the price.”
There was no response from the Labour god for as usual he had avoided the meeting; so they all ordered another drink.